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Hoppin’ John is not only a staple recipe for good fortune every New Year but it’s also a pretty solid fucking meal.

You mean to tell me there’s some motherfucker that builds toys in his house on a sheet of ice all year then delivers them in one night and you’re just gonna fucking offer him store-bought cookies?

You’re not still fucking with some mayo-soaked pasta salad, right? Because that shit always gets left in the sun for the wasps. Fuck all that. Whip up a bowl of these next level noodles and start spring with SOME GODDAMN RESPECT FOR YOURSELF. 

ANYBODY WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T EAT POPSICLES FOR BREAKFAST CAN FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF BC THESE FROSTY BOYS HAVE NO ADDED SUGAR SO TECHNICALLY IT'S A SMOOTHIE CHECKMATE BITCH

Summertime is the best time for fruit but don’t limit that shit to only dessert. Grill up whateverthefuck looks good and throw it in a salad or on some grains.

Why do coworkers always ask what you ate for lunch? LEVEL UP YOUR SMALL TALK PATRICK OR GO BACK TO YOUR CORNER IN HR. Anyways, here’s a recipe for a soba noodle salad that's so dope that it’s a worthy steal from the shared fridge.

NO SHIT IT'S HOT, IT'S FUCKING SUMMER. Pull yourself together, go find some shade, and kick back with spiked citrus iced tea.

Trying to eat better? START WITH PIZZA. This sweet potato pizza crust has all of the taste and none of the baked, bleached bullshit.

GRAPEFRUIT HOT TODDY AKA HUG IN A MUG AKA DOCTORS ORDERS AKA COLD CRUSHER

We don't need to sell y'all on gravy. This shit sells itself. Gravy is king of the holiday foods but great year-round on biscuits with some wilted greens. If you're lazy, just pour it on some toast.

Summer rolls are a solid travel food because they’re basically an herby noodle salad you can eat with your hands. No fork required. You can fold in whatever veggies you like but our go-to recipe is below.